Standing in front of my fridge with my baby on my hip, I stared at the unopened bags of breastmilk, calculating how much I should give away. What if I suddenly stopped producing? What if it became difficult to pump at work and I needed to rely on my freezer stash?
Faith and I have never been the closest friends. Hypervigilance has. Strategy. Skill building. Independence. But faith… I leave that to my little sister, an expert at going with the flow who knows that it will “all work out somehow.” That wasn’t how I typically organized the world. I wanted to give a mom in need at least 100 ounces of breastmilk, but what if I ended up needing it one day? What if I suddenly stopped producing? Giving Hadar formula would not be a crisis, but I had become intimately connected to breastfeeding her and felt idealistic in my quest to make the experience last as long as possible.